Year of Living Hell

It's been more than a single year, tho.

Imagine the worst year ever, and double it.

I'm not trying to compare my life to the lives of people in disaster zones, or who have lost everything, but if somebody popped up and offered me a do-over in exchange for my soul... Yep, I'd take it.

(This coming from the atheist)

It wasn't just losing my mom, though that was the worst of it. It was the way she died, bit by bit, horrible. I wouldn't wish what happened to her on my worst enemy (if I had any) but to see a loved one suffer like that... words fail me.

I would give just about anything to be the person I was before all this happened. It's been a while, so the broken bits inside me have worn down enough that they mostly just scratch now instead of pierce, but I can look back at that other me, the before me, and she's a stranger. Time may heal, but some changes are permanent.

It was during the time from hell that I discovered some of my oldest 'friends' bad-mouthing me on facebook. To my adult children. And encouraging them to tell me off. To be fair, I had told them nothing of my mother's illness (I saved that for my friends, no quotes) but I couldn't believe how much it hurt, how deep it cut me. I cried for days.

I miss my mom. I miss the 'friends' I once called friends. I miss the person, the mom, I used to be. My kids have gotten used to seeing me cry, and that's the most horrible thing of all.

There is no way back to 'before'. The way to some sort of better 'after' is hard.

I want joy in my life again. I want to get to the milestones of life without thinking, 'Mom should be here for this' My oldest is about to graduate college, approaching life, career, marriage. My fifth born will graduate high school next year (and unless he completely screws up) he will be valedictorian. My mom, my dad, they should be there for these things.

It sucks.